QUESTIONS MEMEMEMEMEMEEEE

[oneinfive]

It's been a while and I'm ALMOST at 8000 comments that totally counts as a milestone! Also I have been in the game for three months that's a milestone!! I GUESS

YOU KNOW HOW THESE WORK. I just play Nikolas for now!

Comments

[likeawritingdesk]

I'M GOING TO DO YOU FIRST WHAT NOWWWW!!

So basically Gilbert is crazily attached to Nikolas now. So attached. Sooooo latched on

The important thing here is that it's Gilbert Nightray and that means a lot of things

1: he will TAKE A MORTAL BLOW FOR YOU (AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT) IN BATTLE!! Really this is a given and he's glad that Nikolas didn't argue with him over the button - to him this is a non issue! He's immortal and incredibly powerful and a trained assassin, things are dangerous here, he can make Nikolas safer. IT IS JUST HOW HE FUNCTIONS. HE IS A GUARD DOG. He was ALREADY itching to extend the offer to Winter well before he and Winter started to actually succeed at Not Being Awful At Each Other - basically immediately, because Winter is Nikolas' - so he's really itching about it now. It's just logical. You're noncombatants and he can kill most things, just say the word and it's dead!!! (There is a subliminal nerve running through him over his ability to manage, and whether they actually CARE or WANT him to be their guard dog or not is irrelevant because it's still so core to his being that if he thinks he can't be one he stresses out. I'M A GUARD DOG I'M NOT GOING TO STOP BEING ONE, IT'S DISTRESSING IF I THINK I WOULDN'T BE AN EFFECTIVE ONE? but even with all his losses he's pretty confident that they were all incidental (he isn't necessarily wrong poor thing) but RIGHT NOW after the "nightmare" it's kinda upsetting. privately.)

2: it doesn't matter how low his actual self esteem is, if his position with Nikolas as he perceives it is ever threatened, he will wig the fuck out. Like, burning, burning jealousy. It is possible Winter and to some extension Hatter (because Nikolas slid that in early) are the only exceptions to this despite knowing how much Nikolas was sleeping around - sleeping around is one thing, but BUDDY BUDDY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE HE'S SLEPT WITH WILL BE MET WITH LIME GREEN JELLY

The first serious long conversation he had with Winter he offered straight up to cut himself away from Nikolas because he refused to be any kind of blockade to Nikolas' happiness! He was able to do this fforrr a couple of reasons - he wasn't quite irreversibly possessive yet, but Nikolas WAS incredibly dear to him and the idea of himself causing that level of problem was just unthinkable so obviously it couldn't be allowed to happen. Also he's crazy. Winter then POLAR REVERSED IT by stressing he was in love with SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY!!!! and slamming in just how unrequited Nikolas' feelings were. So Gil reversed 8I;... he still wanted Nikolas and Winter's happiness but suddenly he was much more slanted towards his own role in supporting and caring for Nikolas and I think that whole talk of Nikolas FULL OF LOVEDISTRESS and Gil giving the advice of I THINK ACTUALLY YOU TWO ARE BAD FOR EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW... is when he irreversibly latched on. And not in a, I WILL FILL THAT VOID!! way. (Though voids were filled, HA HA) But specifically because there was very obviously a place for him at Nikolas' side right then, as his friend who could support him and comfort him, and offer a level of approachability that someone that is on a pedestal, like Winter is, can't offer. He was specifically giving something that Winter couldn't, and he was needed, sooo the option of ejecting himself evaporated...

UNTIL... it reversed AGAIN, and Winter and Nikolas cracked early and hooked up. At first Gil STRAIGHT UP GRILLED WINTER because UH YOU JUST STRESSED HOW MUCH YOU LOVED SOMEONE ELSE THOUGH YOU BETTER LOVE NIKOLAS DON'T PLAY WITH HIS HEART. That conversation could have made or broken his and Winter's relationship because of that. And it was funny because when we were chatting about it before it happened the big question was WOULD WINTER CALL CLAIM, OR WOULD HE ALREADY BE SETTING UP TO EJECT HIMSELF, and then Gilbert was the one to offer to leave ='D FOR. THE SAME REASONS AS BEFORE.

But this time it would have actually been painful, and he probably wouldn't have noticed for like a month and wouldn't understand WHY for forever. Had Winter been like OK YOU GUYS AREN'T SLEEPING TOGETHER ANYMORE BC HE'S MINE NOW Gil woulda been like OK AWESOME, AND ALSO THAT'S OBVIOUS! and then proceeded to not even remotely understand why that hurt. The concept of wanting and missing the direct, healthy intimacy that comes with the sex in his and Nikolas' relationship would be entirely too much for him to grasp. Because if anyone is good at putting things in untouchable categories it's Gilbert. (Surely this is just Oz-related loneliness) Another thing is, it wouldn't necessarily be the LACK OF THAT INTIMACY that hurt but also just... the starkness of fact at a role he served, a position he had, being entirely, gladly erased. By Winter, Nikolas' Oz, so that would ordinarily not hurt at all because Gil understands!!-- and in that conversation with Winter he was ENTIRELY GENUINE in being happy for Nikolas, once he believed Winter actually loved him anyway. But the one-two-three of I DON'T LOVE HIM -> [conversation with Nikolas being the saddest creature] -> NO ACTUALLY I DO LOVE HIM, made his own position feel tumultuous and abruptly in question, enough so that if Winter had laid claim, it would have hurt... subconsciously, and he wouldn't have noticed until a month later, but it would have hurt.

In fact I think the kind of. Unspoken agreement/feeling between Gil and Nikolas, when Gil broke the news that they still had permission, was basically "OK but Winter is stupid about how important he is to you, so we should probably just actually not?? Let's not push that!"

OF COURSE NOW THIS THREAD IS HAPPENING AND LMFAO bzzt zzzzzzzzzt

This is kind of rambly so let's reel it back in and just. idk. bulletpoint.

- Nikolas is definitely, actively helping Gil deal with his entire life in Court just by being his friend, let alone by being Good To Have Sex With. Gil is just better DAY TO DAY in EVERYDAY WORRIES AND CONVERSATIONS because Nikolas is his friend.
- they ARE friends, and however ABSOLUTELY HAIRBREATHING THIS IS AT THIS POINT, it is still nowhere near the type of obsessed dependent relationship he has with Oz, or the tumultuous deep-history mess he is with Hatter. Nikolas is his precious friend that they made entirely of their own accord, got closer through sheer time and conversation and chemistry. He can ACTUALLY RELAX! and have confidence and be happily giving and needy. Nikolas is not on a pedestal, he doesn't feel the usual fear or self-consciousness with him.
- Nikolas sure is getting a display of that self-consciousness NOW, and it's entirely because of Winter, and also threesome. WAIT, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS ONE THING BUT WINTER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A USED UP PIECE OF GROSS DARKNESS I AM AND WINTER IS YOUR PERFECT THING WHAT IF I MESS WITH THAT? WOULD NIKOLAS FORGIVE THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY POSITION IS WITH WINTER!1 YOU GUYS ARE IN LOVE AND I AM SEPARATE FROM THAT I DON'T GO HERE
- w-w-what if i go here. but. but i don't though. The Gil wire and the Winter wire weren't supposed to crossss
- (as a side note being with nikolas and winter like this right after That Nightmare made him miss oz and alice (and Vincent) terribly. not because they are comparable, they are in fact completely different in every way. there is no part of this situation that is similar to that situation. Nikolas and Winter just managed to give him some real comfort after a horrible crisis! So it is just the sheer fact that he is being given a "place to be" which is a VERY POSITIVE, COMFORTING THING, that is making him almost cry with how badly it hurts that his missing cast is not here and he left them aannnd all the other horrible things that nightmare stressed. Literally almost made him cry because you are doing things right and made him too emotionally vulnerable. THIS IS A NICE THING -> AAAAAAAAAAH )
- probably what is keeping Gil comfortably buffeted from any realizations on just how intense "MAN IT SURE IS GREAT TO HAVE A FRIEND I LOVE [BREATHES NIKOLAS' SCENT]" has gotten is that it ISN'T Oz. Like, it is genuinely difficult to conceive love happening in a non-Oz way. PROTECTED BY OZ AND WINTER BARRIER
- aregilandnikolasinloveyet.com
- this threesome might make him aware of the website. I'm not sure how that will go but we'll see

REVERSE

[oneinfive]

OKAY FINALLY. DOIN' THIS AT WORK LOL 8'D

Nikolas sure does know about the website. the current status of the website is like. " . . . oh"

but he's known about it since way before it was anything close to that! THE WEBSITE EXISTS BECAUSE HE HAD TO KEEP CHECKING IT. I don't know if you saw his thread with Kaoru in the truth post but Kaoru was like "oh you've fallen for him quickly" and Nikolas was like "I have not!" and then immediately was like "oh it actually let me say that okay good." Because he wasn't sure. He's known for quite a while that having sex with Gil is really different from having sex with anyone else--actually he figured that out at the party iirc when he was feeling not really in the mood for sex and then they went off and he ended up having sex with him, because as he mentioned at the time, "not in the mood" isn't the same as "not in the mood for Gilbert" AND THAT IS NOT REALLY A DISTINCTION NIKOLAS IS USED TO MAKING IN HIS LIFE.

The thing is that Nikolas actually isn't a guy who GETS intense during sex except with Winter. He definitely didn't start out intense with Gil either really. And in fact he's been put off of sex in Court that was TOO INTENSE for him before and has deliberately deflected it or reined it in some. But with Gil he started getting super spiralingly addictively into it and it wasn't just like, because it feels good, it was because he intensely cares about him as a person and loves him as a friend! I think I've talked about Nikolas as a friend before and he's definitely ICly warned Gil about himself as a friend before; he's lonely and loves people and contact, he has an addictive personality, he likes being liked and he likes pleasing people and he also relies on outside support to literally keep him sane. He has A LOT OF THAT here in Court which is why he's doing so well. And of that support Gil is the person (not counting Winter) he feels the most comfortable with and likes the most and NEEDS the most. Everyone else has a caveat of some sort! But Gil is like. He's consistent and supportive and dedicated and easy to talk to, he's relaxing and calming to be around (Nikolas is extremely drawn to people who are calming influences when his head is full of fuck), there's no feeling of obligation or debt between them. Nikolas TRUSTS Gil COMPLETELY which is not easy to pull off with him! He absolutely believes that if he ever had a minor breakdown or something and showed up drunk and insulting and a total wreck then Gil would take care of him and be concerned and not turn him away. Rather than judging him or breaking off anything they have or blowing up at him. And there are very few people in any world that Nikolas will let himself believe he has that kind of support from.

THE POINT BEING that for all kinds of reasons Nikolas utterly adores Gil as a friend which for him is already enough to get him to clingy, protective, possessive levels with you. But then they also have this sort of. Mutual feedback loop when it comes to their relationship where they both kind of get off on clingy protective possessive and it led to them having a sex life that Nikolas knows damn well feels a lot like the sex life you have with someone you actually love. He has had the buffer of Winter and all so in a way at first it was kind of like. Almost an emotion play kink, because there was that separation of "Well, I definitely don't feel for him like I do for Winter (which is still true), I love Winter, I don't love him, bbbbut there's definitely something different and more between us and I don't want to stop because it feels good and it's totally safe because it's NOT LOVE HA!" Gil is in love with two other guys and I'm in love with one other guy and we all know it so that's cool sure let's just keep doing this thing we're doing that's getting more and more. Openly discussing how possessive we are and how attached we are and how important the other is RIGHT SURE . . .

He also spent a long time not being at all jealous of Hatter or Oz or anyone else but he finally slipped into being a little jealous which he noticed in himself and it was another nail in the coffin. He's well aware he's in a very different category than Oz or Hatter in the same way Gil's in a very different category from Winter! And he doesn't want or expect to ever be elevated to that status so it's hard to be jealous of it. And he doesn't actually know about Yuri. If he did he'd be jealous as fuck though and probably kinda p/a at Yuri if they ever met (they haven't). (He'd be even worse if he knew Yuri's propositioned Winter too l o l.) Anyway he realized first that he was jealous of any hypothetical casual sex partners, as he mentioned in the truth thread, and then finally after that he realized he actually is also a tiny bit jealous of Hatter and Oz. Not a lot and not enough that he'll p/a at Hatter but he has a sense now of "I wish he were mine (just as a friend though!!) and that won't ever happen because he is theirs and that's mostly okay but it's a little tiny bit not okay sometimes!"

Much like Gil though as long as he has his own space and his own role and no one else encroaches on it (the role of "best friend you also have intense feelingsy sex with") he's all right. The role of BEING OZ is super different and Nikolas doesn't want it, and he's dubious about Hatter's role and a little worried for Gil re: that so that he definitely doesn't want. Just his own. IT WOULD JUST BE A LITTLE NICER IF ALSO MINE MINE MINE MMMMINE

also Nikolas is a stupid shit and sometimes he'll be going about his day and something will remind him Gil exists and it makes him a little happier (see above with Damarhis lol) and he's finally noticed that he's a stupid shit. wow is he

He's not in mad obsessive love with him like he is with Winter and the feelings are different anyway! Which is why he didn't notice for so long that fluttery teenager crush + deep respectful friendship love = ???????? and he's still not quite sure where things stand. But that stuff plus the stuff right now in the threesome has tipped him off that Something. Some Thing! (which he assumes is not reciprocated lol.)

I'M PROBABLY MISSING STUFF . . .

[likeawritingdesk]

I CAN TELL YOU LITERALLY LIKE 9 COMMENT ROUNDS LATER THAT GIL IS FULLY AWARE OF THE SOMETHING.

I think you actually articulated that whole element a lot better than I did cuz that's definitely a part of Gil vs his feelings on Nikolas too, just like. HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF FALLING FOR NIKOLAS not just by Winter himself (and i think he was able to truth thread an answer like NO?? he would've been able to do that about Hatter too though ='D perceptions) but by Elliot etc.

It's very much mutual possessive needy feedback loop where gil is NOT OBLIVIOUS AT ALL to how much he wants it and in fact for him to BE ABLE to pursue it with Nikolas is. SUCH A THING. THAT IS HUGE. Nikolas is the best friend he never had and he's safe and he loves him and needs him and he's needed and loved it's so good and I STILL JUST WANT MOREMOREMORE AND THAT SEEMS TO BE WORKIN OUT JUST FINE

BUT IT ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE WHAT I FEEL FOR OZ (THAT IS TRUE)

SUCH FRIENDS way to be identical here guys

Though instead of the small "I wish he were mine" it's "I wish I was his" cuz that's how Gil rolls

this threesome thing after one of the more awful moments in gil's life (WHICH, REALLY, IS IMPRESSIVE, I JUST START LAUGHING EVERY TIME AJ ADDS A COMMENT) is so much neediness too. He's being entirely surrounded in BEING WANTED and it's SO GOOD it's sooo good. GOOD ENOUGH THAT IT'S ALLOWING HIM TO GO FOR IT!! And so there is this EMOTIONAL REACH OUT TO WINTER AND NIKOLAS where Winter is new and causing new comparison-born insight (BY BEING NEW offering something right now that nikolas can't, but that's another ramble. but it is noteworthy that gil is now in ANY SENSE slotting Nikolas as "a given" because that is how much he trusts Nikolas). It is abruptly starkly obvious how badly he wants and needs Nikolas and how much he trusts him and how he is apparently capable of making him feel better at the worst of times

PS fresh scars will become more prominent later, they are kind of not as stark now due his skin being kind of... fre..sh...