THEM FANCY LADS, CONT. (Nikolas/Winter)

[oneinfive]

[From here:

Well, here they are, on the world's most introverted date, the one that only the extravert between them realizes is a date.

Which is to say, that evening, when he'd normally be retiring to his rooms, Nikolas makes his way to Winter's little private study instead for all that reading Winter seems to think can be a social activity. Maybe he isn't wrong. It can at least be a comfortable one, between the two of them, at this point; that counts for a lot. It's been so very long since most things between them were comfortable. If sitting together in amicable silence, maybe even leaning on one another, can join that list, Nikolas is more than happy to make the first move in adding it.

He raps lightly and quickly on the door, as if worried he might be overheard. It's quite unlike his usual way of being.]

Comments

[softariel]

They send you to me because I am the only one that has any modicum of authority over the rest of you four! Though Ophelia carries herself far better.

[ It's self-deprecating, like usual, but there's more humor to it than usual. He ducks his head a little, an embarrassed smile tugging at his mouth. Honestly, even if Nikolas's words could be a jab, the way he says it makes it feel less of that and more of a private joke between friends. ]

Perhaps it's meant to whip me into shape as well.

[oneinfive]

You just may have something there.

[It's fondly teasing, a joke, but the truth is, as soon as Winter says it, Nikolas can see how it may be a real possibility. Winter could use some experience in handling the authority he has. Perhaps it's hypocritical of Nikolas to think so, but it's also the truth; he can admit the both of them are woefully underprepared for all of this mess, in different ways.

It really does work out, doesn't it?]

Holy Mother's tits, I do hate admitting His Majesty is something of a genius, but from time to time I must. As much as I loathe to give him that! Don't dare tell him I said so.

[softariel]

[ Winter laughs at that, though he's a bit more embarrassed this time. His ears feel warm. There's no denying the fact, though, especially to someone who knows him as well as Nikolas does. As much as Winter has been throwing himself into his work since his abrupt ascension, he's definitely still faltering in that one key place. ]

Do you know, saying something like that might get us both in trouble... but between the two of us, I have to agree. He might be a little mad, but he's certainly a clever one.

I confess, too, that I'm glad of it. It's reassuring.

[oneinfive]

Me, or His Majesty? I say I don't know which of those is a madder thought. Are either of us very comforting people? I am going to have to keep an eye on you, my Winter. You just may be going mad under all of this pressure.

[Of course he's joking. But of course he's also genuinely worried about Winter overworking himself; he knows how that runs in the family, along with early deaths, and he has many, many reasons for being anxious at that thought. So, while it comes out teasing enough, his voice and expression gentle after he laughs, and he even dares to reach the distance between them and place his hand on Winter's forearm where it curls around his legs.]

I do hope that you aren't, and that if you are, you won't be fool enough to try and bear that alone. Hmm?

[softariel]

[ He looks down at that hand on his arm for a few seconds of pure surprise, then up at Nikolas's face again. Even with the improvement in their relationship, it's a strange and lovely rare thing to be touched this gently, especially by Nikolas Avis.

After a moment he smiles as gently as possible. ]

I cannot make any concrete promise, I'm afraid. But I've seen how poorly it can end, and I don't wish to end up that way.

[ He hesitates a moment, then covers Nikolas's hand briefly with his. ]

I will try.

[oneinfive]

. . . Do try, then. I have faith in your will, Winter. And if your will does not lie in taking good care of yourself—well. Well! Then I will simply have to go and do it for you, won't I!

[His hand feels hot where Winter's covers it; his chest feels hot, too, his throat dry, and not for want of wine. (Maybe a little for that.) But he manages to meet Winter's eyes, and for once he can hardly guess how his own expression looks.]

[softariel]

You could try, at least; I would not tell you no.

[ He says that easily and honestly enough. No matter what the situation, he is grateful that anyone would care enough to want to look after him -- the fact that it's Nikolas, specifically, is even more of a thrill, private as it is.

And when Nikolas looks at him, he can almost convince himself that Nikolas feels the same. It's a wistful feeling, but for once, not a bad one. ]

I've heard often enough from Ophelia that I am very bad at such things.

[oneinfive]

Don't dare tell her I said this, either, but she's quite right. Look at me spending my evening admitting to the virtues of others! No one would believe it of me. If anyone asks, tell them we spent the evening in vice, not virtue.

[Of course, that's probably a bad idea, but at least he manages to make it sound like a true joke this time. Not an unfriendly one! Though he'd have to admit quite a bit of curiosity as to how Winter will react to hearing it.

He does withdraw his hand, after a brief squeeze. Some things are perhaps too much.]

[softariel]

I'm rather certain that if I said that, no one would believe me. I am hardly the sort of person anyone wishes to commit any vices with!

[ He responds to what sounds like a joke with one of his own, also more truth than anything else. Winter knows very well what he looks like, and how poorly he scores in popularity; every Fete since his sixteenth birthday has been the same. If people approach him, it's to make a political connection, not a personal one. ]

If you'd rather, I could say that I stepped out and you had your fun with one of my maids.

[oneinfive]

Winter. My dear, dearest Winter. Lord Quertis. Do you honestly believe that blasphemy you've just gone and spouted at me?

[No no no, wait, they need to handle this first. It's very important that Winter understand that he's fuckable, you see!

He can't truly believe such a thing. Can he? Nikolas has already committed vices with him! Whether it's going too far to imply he'd like to commit more—that hardly matters as much as clearing up this misunderstanding!

No, it matters more, of course, but Nikolas is refusing to acknowledge that.]

[softariel]

...Yes?

[ He's more confused than anything by Nikolas's response. While he hasn't forgotten their encounters, it's been the better part of a year since any sort of actual innuendo, and... well. It's Nikolas. Winter's personal feelings haven't blinded him to Nikolas's habits and preferences. There's a part of him that still occasionally marvels that it happened at all, more than once!

But there's no point in thinking (hoping?) anything will happen again. Winter's not Nikolas's type. He's known that for a long time, even without the issue of his sex. ]

You know me; you know I would not say something unless I believed it true.

[oneinfive]

I do know that! And yet I had some vain hope to the contrary just now! Winter, do remember who you're speaking to here when you say nobody could ever have such interest in you. Hmm?

[This is going too far. But oh, hell. He'd gone too far months ago; this is only a continuation of that instance of going too far, and therefore it does not count, and he can't be blamed for it. There!

He leans closer in his chair, squinting.]

[softariel]

I-- w-well!

[ He doesn't lean back, which feels like a rather tremendous accomplishment on his part, but his eyes do go wider and his face goes red. Of course he's never been good at hiding something like that, not with how fair he is, but he's more aware of it than usual.

But under his fluster is a sense of sheer bewilderment. Given the circumstances of -- well, every single time they'd done anything, he'd mostly convinced himself that it was less interest and more opportunity and curiosity that had motivated Nikolas. Is this more teasing? It has to be, right?! ]

I could amend that to say "no one with more than a passing interest." Would that satisfy you?

[oneinfive]

[No! No it wouldn't! He could lie about that, and he should! But it doesn't slide off his tongue as easily as lies generally do. He doesn't stammer, and his expression doesn't falter, but his silence speaks volumes that his voice isn't ready to. And he, too, doesn't break the eye contact. His eyes only go slowly, pointedly wider. He can't think of a single other thing to do, you see.]

. . . Well.

[softariel]

[ This is growing rapidly more alarming, in the sense that none of this feels very much like a joke or a passing casual conversation, and Winter was not prepared for this. His own eyes go wider when he sees the gesture from Nikolas, and by this point his face feels so hot he's mildly surprised it isn't on fire. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest he's surprised someone hasn't noticed. Whether it's Nikolas, sitting across from him, or Frest, wherever he is, Winter's not sure who he'd prefer.

Really? Really?! ]

W... well? Well, what?!

[ His voice goes a little higher than he'd like with that, but look, he wasn't prepared. He wasn't ready to be composed about this, so what comes out is confused and honest -- vulnerable, to his dismay. ]

[oneinfive]

Well!

[There you have it! His answer! Eloquence for the ages! He's a sly one, remarkably well-spoken, that Great Avis!

He blurts it out as if doing so with enough bluster might transform it into a complete sentence, one that answers everything perfectly, both safe and honest. The look on his face is so deliberately blustery that it would be difficult to mistake it for sincere snottishness.]

[softariel]

[ This is not a timeline where Nikolas would know anything about Winter's childhood nickname, but maybe in this moment he could guess -- because Winter just stares back, wide-eyed and frozen in place, very much like some small stunned rabbit. His face is still red, lips parted like he means to say something more, though he can't come up with anything. Even if Nikolas's expression is an obvious affectation, the implication is not. ]

I... I'm not sure I understand precisely what you're implying, here.

[oneinfive]

. . . And I am not sure how I could make it any more clear.

[Oh, what a liar. He could start by actually saying it. That would be more clear, wouldn't it! Of course he knows it, but no, he's going to be like this instead.

At least for the moment. The truth is, the longer he dances around the issue this way, the more he wonders why he doesn't simply come out with it after all. All that stands in their way . . .

Well, it's that Nikolas doesn't deserve him, and that's quite a serious barrier.]

[softariel]

I could think of several!

[ He says it more sharply than he might normally, and once he does he rocks back a little in his own seat, wide-eyed at himself. Certainly Nikolas could be more clear, but Winter himself could be more polite...!

But the very idea seems utterly ridiculous. Of all options Nikolas could have, Winter has to certainly be at the bottom of the list; even ignoring Nikolas's well-known fondness for women, there just isn't terribly much Winter could think of to advocate for himself.

And yet, there's the silence stretching out between them, long and nervous, and Winter is at a loss for what else to even say. ]

Y-- you must understand, the very idea of it seems rather incredible to me.

[oneinfive]

My dear, I can't imagine why. Ah, no. That isn't true.

[With that he smiles; it's not the happiest of smiles. There's some deep, wounded ache in it, so powerful that it entirely overwhelms the fact that the expression is a smile at all. It would be difficult to look at that curve of his lips and come away with an impression of Nikolas having been smiling. But it is, if nothing else, soft, and turned entirely on himself besides.]

I do know why. I am the one who's led you to believe it. Myself and Ophelia, perhaps, but I will take the lion's share of the blame.

[softariel]

[ The impulse rises and dies to ask about Ophelia -- what does she have to do with all of this? -- but Winter finds himself unable to, just looking at the expression on Nikolas's face. The sight makes his own chest ache in ways he's tried to ignore for years; he has to force himself not to reach out to Nikolas. Not now, not yet, and maybe not ever, depending on how this situation spins itself out.

He bites the inside of his cheek and takes a breath. ]

I fail to see what sort of blame there is for you to have... it's hardly as if you are the only person in the whole of the royal court, and you are far from the only person who's courted others at the Fetes.

[ He's the only one Winter's ever wanted to look his way, but it's still a true thing. No one's ever courted his attention at those seasonal celebrations except for simple business interests. ]

[oneinfive]

[It's such a calm, quiet conversation, and Nikolas is holding him together quite admirably, if he does say so himself! And yet there's something deep in him that feels like it's spiraling out of control in a way he hasn't felt in some time. Like all such spirals, it's both compelling and maddening. He feels the way he did the last time he had a dalliance with Winter, in fact. It's all too easy to imagine it happening again tonight, not just that way, but better, because he's a better man, isn't he—

Not better enough. No, not even close. He has to remember that before he goes too far.

Still. He leans in closer, with an intentness in his gaze that he isn't hiding.]

No, no. I do know that! And that is where our Ophelia comes in, and it isn't my place to go into all of that here and tonight. But myself, I can speak for. And I have led your thinking astray, at least insofar as you may think about how I see you.

[softariel]

How I think you see me...

[ He wants to say something more in response to that. How else was he supposed to think? After the disaster of Winter's fourteenth summer, and the awkward road to actual friendship since then, he's always kept the thought very clear: Nikolas Avis might be willing to be his friend, and to treat him fondly, but never to the degree that Winter himself has always wanted. He'd like very much to deny understanding what Nikolas is skirting around now.

But as much as he's given to self-deprecation, and as much as he finds himself terribly lacking, he can hear very well the implication in Nikolas's words. He's just not sure he yet believes it. ]

If I've been mistaken, then I invite you to illuminate me.

[oneinfive]

. . . Well. To start with, don't go saying it like that. "If I've been mistaken." You're entirely too polite; you make it sound as if it might have been a misunderstanding that you were. I don't deserve the kindness of you thinking so, my dear.

[Protesting that is both stalling for time and, in some way Nikolas hopes he isn't wrong about, important; it does pain him to think that Winter might really believe he was just "mistaken" about Nikolas's feelings. Not when Nikolas mislead him, and quite deliberately at that. He folds his hands in his lap, demure in a way he rarely is.]

The fault is mine there.

[softariel]

[ He's quiet for a long moment at that, working his way through that revelation. A part of him -- a far larger part than he would like to admit, in all honesty -- is in a tizzy of excitement over what this could mean. The way Nikolas speaks, it sounds very much like he might feel the same way Winter has, that he still does, like every ridiculous romantic fantasy he's read about and adapted in his own imagination might actually be true.

But how often has he gotten what he's wanted? Not for his family, or his people, his country or his district, but for himself? And it wouldn't do to plow thoughtlessly into this. What if he's wrong? They'd both be too embarrassed to ever speak to each other again. He has to stay calm, and he mostly manages it but for the nervous hope he can't quite suppress. ]

My invitation still stands. Never mind who is at fault; please tell me what you truly think.