THEM FANCY LADS, CONT. (Nikolas/Winter)

[oneinfive]

[From here:

Well, here they are, on the world's most introverted date, the one that only the extravert between them realizes is a date.

Which is to say, that evening, when he'd normally be retiring to his rooms, Nikolas makes his way to Winter's little private study instead for all that reading Winter seems to think can be a social activity. Maybe he isn't wrong. It can at least be a comfortable one, between the two of them, at this point; that counts for a lot. It's been so very long since most things between them were comfortable. If sitting together in amicable silence, maybe even leaning on one another, can join that list, Nikolas is more than happy to make the first move in adding it.

He raps lightly and quickly on the door, as if worried he might be overheard. It's quite unlike his usual way of being.]

Comments

[softariel]

Is that how you're putting it...

[ For the moment, at least, he can pretend to have a little more courage than he actually does. His heart is pounding so hard that he's surprised Nikolas hasn't commented on that, even if only fondly. But though he keeps his tone light, he can tell his face is going redder by the moment. He hasn't sat in someone's lap since he was very young -- possibly just out of infancy -- and doing it now feels borderline scandalous, moreso than the promise of anything that might come next. ]

You are the smooth sort, aren't you?

[oneinfive]

I do try!

[He smiles, his voice rich with affection, with only the slightest quaver in it to betray his own anxiety and need both. But he knows Winter will hear it. Or maybe he only hopes he will. Either way, he leans in, his lips brushing the corner of Winter's mouth as he speaks next, making the hair on the back of his own neck stand on end.]

My dear. I want only what you want. No more or less.

[softariel]

And if I want very many things?

[ His voice goes softer at that. He drops his gaze away from Nikolas's face to a point around his collarbone. A mix of anxiety and anticipation churns in his gut; he can't quite help the buzz of fear that maybe he's dreaming, maybe he's asking too much.

But the not-quite kiss does give him some courage, and he tightens his grip on Nikolas's shoulders. He just wants to be close for now. ]

Many things, for many years to come.

[oneinfive]

I.

[There's a buzz inside of Nikolas as well, anxiety all mingled up with an excitement so deep and potent it's downright sickening. The fear he's held onto all of this time still has its grip on him, even as he tries to let it go: he doesn't deserve this! He isn't good enough for this! He'll ruin it all like he does everything else! How can he spread the taint of his, everything about himself, onto poor Winter? Trick him into marriage! Surely that's it!

His arms tremble faintly, and he sucks in a deep breath, trying to force those thoughts away; his hands are tight on Winter, as if his body knows not to let him go even as his mind demands he must.]

I could want nothing more. Nothing in this world, or any other—nothing in any world beyond, more than this. But are you certain?

[softariel]

Oh, I am certain.

[ He can't quite meet Nikolas's eyes as he says it -- not out of any actual hesitation, but out of a lingering shyness. But he leans into the touch as well, closer to Nikolas. If he's honest, the tightness of that grip reassures him more than it distresses him. What a change from years ago. ]

I am not... I should say, I am not the sort of person who likes to do these things lightly. You are the one with more freedoms to lose, Nikolas; I only ask that you be certain, as well. Of me.

[oneinfive]

Ah, no. No, no, no, my dear, you're entirely mistaken. I am not the one with freedom to lose. I daresay I have hardly had any of that in my life to date, and I don't know if I may ever have any more of it than I do now, which is more than I once did. A free man? Not Nikolas! But you, my Winter . . . well. I suppose neither of us truly are, in professional senses, but you are moreso than you know, and that is precisely why I hate to shackle you to a weight like myself.

["Hate." No, he wants it. He wants it so badly that the undercurrent of it aches in his voice, and touches his eyes as he stares into Winter's. But all of the rest, he believes entirely.]

[softariel]

I'm not certain we are operating on the same ideas of freedom, here.

[ And that's a problem to be mulled over. Winter shifts his weight and settles without thinking about it much; he's less intent, but in exchange, he's more comfortable. It's a strange feeling, but one that feels more right than many he's had over the past six months. ]

Certainly, my family is less... disapproving of the very idea, and certainly I have had no other companionship than you. But there's been less interest, certainly. No one else has been interested, while you could have your pick of anyone you prefer. It's my luck, then, if you'd rather choose me.

[oneinfive]

I don't know I would call that an equal sort of freedom—well. It's hardly an argument that makes much sense, is it? You and I, we see it differently, from our different cages. We see one another's as being open and our own as being shut tight. What matters now is only that, if it's truly what you wish, perhaps both of us can leave our cages entirely and meet out in the open, between them. . . . Oh, that was poetic, wasn't it? And here I haven't had a drop to drink to loosen my lips like that.

[He gives Winter a smile, both sardonic and fond, his arms looped around Winter's thin body in a way that strikes him, too, as terribly comfortable.]

[softariel]

Even without the wine, you've always been better at speaking... unless you were simply indulging where I could not see.

[ But he's always made it a habit of watching Nikolas at larger gatherings -- fetes, festivals, anything where there would be a large crowd of people between them, and Winter could spy without being caught by the sharp side of Nikolas's tongue. Had Nikolas ever even noticed? Perhaps, given the things he's said thus far this evening, but also perhaps not...

Winter lets his head droop down until he can press it against Nikolas's shoulder. Just this is so very nice. ]

But the past is past. We can move forward from that... can't we?

[oneinfive]

. . . Ah, Winter. How simple you make it sound. As easy as you and I taking a stroll through the gardens, the way you put it.

I want—so very much. I want to think it can be, even if it cannot be easy.

[They're so close; Nikolas has been aware of that all this time, of course, but a sudden deeper awareness sinks in on a bone and muscle sort of level, warming him. He turns his face to press his lips to Winter's forehead, arms tightening just a bit, and holds him there.]

Here we are unable even to make it to a bed, you see.

[softariel]

We--

[ It's a small gesture, and it doesn't feel that sexual, in spite of the implication in Nikolas's words, or the sureity of his grip. Winter sucks in a quick breath, swaying in; once he's had a moment to process that tenderness, he can focus on what's there underneath. And it's enough to make his face go warm, his own hands coming up to curl in Nikolas's jacket. ]

We could move. It is not so very far away.

[oneinfive]

I could, perhaps, even carry you all the way there, but I'm afraid that would not be very subtle if we were seen at it.

[That could go either way, in terms of being appealing or offputting, and he says it with a great neutrality. But mostly, he's focused on the way Winter clings to him, how just that gesture makes his heart race, even without touching his body itself.]

[softariel]

It -- it isn't that far!

[ But even as he says that he twists a little to check. He doesn't let go, nor is he actually making any effort to get up, but just in case. They're alone in these huge quarters, and there's no secret doorways (he is rather certain!) for any sort of servant to magically manifest, but... No, no, it's safe. At least looking away has the added benefit of concealing his face, if only a little; his whole face feels as if it's burning now. ]

No, no, I will walk. It's quite all right. --If it comes to such a thing, which is not to say I am suggesting or implying that it should, just--

[ Never mind that he had. Never mind that! There's only embarrassment now. ]

[oneinfive]

Well! If you say so, I will not argue; I can only encourage it. Up we go! Since you insist!

[Oh, he had, and Nikolas is going to jump on that, finally moving to get them both out of the chair. He doesn't force it, but he does manhandle just a little in the process, ho hum. His hands are firm on Winter's sides and shoulders, biceps flexing.]

[softariel]

[ Boy does Winter like that. He likes it quite a lot, in fact; enough, in fact, that he hesitates a bit in the movement just to feel what it's like to be hustled along like that. And the whole time, he stares up at Nikolas's face, wide-eyed and flushed. It's not quite an awed expression, but it does skirt up to that. ]

You really are certain about this, aren't you?

[oneinfive]

[To have that look turned on him—well, Nikolas had seen it in his youth, and back then it'd had much the same effect on him, though eventually he'd refused to indulge those thoughts. But now he can. Now he can look at that and fully enjoy seeing Winter's flushed, awed face turned to Nikolas, and dream of what else he might do to make it even better.]

Well. I am certain I want it; I cannot say I deserve it. And so that depends on your question, more specifically.

[softariel]

And if I mean all of it?

[ That's a bolder statement than he'd usually make; he manages mostly by not letting himself dwell upon the many ways he could -- and does -- mean the question. It feels like there's a wealth of choices in how he could answer, and he himself is interested in them all. ]

If you want me, Nikolas, you must be willing to deal with the whole of me, and what that might entail.

[oneinfive]

. . . Well.

[Again, as he does sometimes, when he's stalling as he thinks these things through. That hadn't been the answer he'd expected, but it's hardly unwelcome either.]

Why don't you tell me, then, what some of these things are, as we walk? I would like to hear. And I could tell you now that I agree, entirely, because I do! I know I do. But I suspect that would mean more after you've had your say, however true it already is.

[softariel]

It is not even that far of a walk, you ridiculous man.

[ It's just crossing over to his bed! Which in and of itself is a sort of nerve-wracking step. There's a difference in what they're doing now to what they've done before, even if they have been on his bed before, if only passingly. ]

I am not a completely innocent creature, no matter what you might think of me. I have a dislike of crowds, and a greater dislike of the ones you draw to yourself. I have been jealous of them my whole life; that would certainly only intensify if you agreed to this sort of relationship with me. That hardly is an appealing thing, is it? But I won't lie and pretend that doesn't exist, either.

[oneinfive]

Oh! Oh, that.

[If it's only that! He waves that away with a quirked little smile of relief, as he crosses to the bed. See, walking and talking.]

You needn't worry about any of those, Winter. This may not be terribly convincing coming from me, but if you put your faith in me I swear I will prove it: I cannot imagine ever needing to indulge in a single other soul than you, were you mine and free to indulge in.

[softariel]

You must realize how that sounds.

[ He sounds something like a line out of one of those bad romance novels that he's read so many of and will never admit to unless openly confronted. But even so (or maybe even a little because of that), Winter smiles. It's a small smile, a bit wobbly at the edges, but it catches and holds on his face even as they reach their destination. Maybe it's okay to believe he can have something nice? Surely it's all right. ]

But I will, and I will hope that you'll treat my heart gently from now on.

[oneinfive]

I do know. I am a liar, you must remember; I've told lie enough to know what they sound like. It is, indeed, a particular talent of mine to make even the truth sound like a falsehood. And yet you trust me, Winter, don't you? My dearest little fool.

[That little smile is just terrible. It's terrible in how much it makes Nikolas want to kiss it; his gaze lingers on it even as he talks, his own lips curling into a dopey, wanting little grin.]

[softariel]

You are not even the first person to accuse me of that.

[ He says it like it's a surprise. How could it be, that people might accuse him of foolishness? But as good as he might be with his studies, he's at least aware that he's at least somewhat sheltered.

(He's much more than he realizes, but at least there's some self-awareness there.)

But the way Nikolas smiles distracts him in turn; he lights up further, nervous and eager. ]

But I do. I trust you, and as long as you give me reason to, I will continue to do so.

[oneinfive]

. . . I will. I hardly believe myself capable of it, but I must, and so I will, because I cannot fathom doing anything less than that. The bare minimum you deserve, my dearest. If I can't give you that . . . well. I hope you will act accordingly.

[He begins to lean in, seized by a moment of reluctance, warring visibly with the current of desire he can't fight off. Can he trust himself? He isn't certain. But if not in this, in what? And he hardly wants to think he can never trust himself in anything again.]

[softariel]

[ Winter, on the other hand, perks up visibly when Nikolas moves. He doesn't notice the reluctance at first, too eager with anticipation. In everything he's read, all the books and plays and overheard in whispered stories, this is absolutely the lead in to a kiss. Even if he's had them before (with this man, here), he's definitely anticipating more than that.

But when Nikolas hesitates, Winter cocks his head, reaching up to settle his hands lightly on Nikolas's shoulders. ]

I'll do what I must, if I must. But -- for tonight, at least, I'd much rather not assume the worst. Tomorrow, we can be more serious about it, but for tonight... I'd like it very much if we could both be happy.