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oneinfiveAt work I impromptu rambled at Terra about Nikolas being a failure and I wanted to save it and why not do it in his journal so other people can see it if they want! GOSH
This was done super informally (at work . . . ) and I'm not going to go through and reformat it with proper capitalization and so on so apologies in advance for that, whups.
I AM THINKING ABOUT NIKOLAS AND HONESTY
and about how he's so oblique and such a liar but at the same time there is a really honest guy struggling to get out of there
and he doesn't really WANT to be a liar. or get away with his lies. he just doesn't know how not to do that and he is genuinely convinced that in all areas of his life he's in a position where honesty is the worst policy
but he has a compulsion towards it anyway that he barely remains in control of. both because he's a good person and because he's a self-destructive one and he is at times compelled to deliberately do the thing he thinks is worst for himself :')
like. the most obvious example is in [A CANON INSTANCE OF NIKOLAS BLATANTLY WANTING TO BE CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING WRONG, removed for possible spoilers]
it's a better position for him in a way but it's also just because HE ALWAYS WANTS TO BE CAUGHT. deep down inside himself he wants people to see through him
if he ACTUALLY DID NOT WANT WINTER TO EVER FIND OUT HE LOVED HIM. he could stop himself from being so obvious about it seriously. like as it is he's constantly flirting with the danger of being found out
Amalia obviously knows. Frest knows
Ophelia seems to have an idea
he deliberately seeks Winter out and puts them OVER AND OVER into situations where it's thiiiiis close to being revealed
he alludes to it in conversation all the time! HE MAKES THIS REFERENCES TO HIMSELF AND HIS FEELINGS THAT NO ONE GETS
and if his honest wish were "Winter never finds out I love him" then he could conduct himself differently to ensure that. but instead he flirts with it all the time. he is the only one introducing the possibility of that happening. and every time it doesn't he leaves only to reintroduce it later!
because afaict EVERY TIME that he's caught at something--he's glad he was, afterwards, that's what he WANTED, was to be caught in his dishonesty
it's part of why he is acting the way he is about stuff in Court. if he seriously never wanted anyone to know he was nobility or make any connection to his past life, he could hide it a lot better.
He deliberately did NOT come up with a cover story; he just avoids telling people flat-out because THE TRUTH IS A DANGER TO HIM
but at the same time he's still using HALF of his name, he's still said the word "Avis" to people, he has mentioned Wards in passing and Winter indirectly and he doesn't take any steps to hide the fact that he comes from a rich background
it'd be easy for people to read that into even his casual conversation (e.g. the fact that he only drinks expensive wine is a hint)
AND HE KNOWS IT. HE'S NOT STUPID
he completely knows that even if he calls himself Nikolas Tier.
someone from home could come to Court and go "excuse me I'm looking for the Great Avis"
and someone could respond to that with AVIS? HMM ISN'T THAT THE PLACE NIKOLAS IS FROM?
and that would be that, even though he deliberately hid the truth that Avis is also his name and not just his country.
because his obfuscating is the SYMBOLIC hiding of the truth you do when you want the truth out but don't want to take responsibility for it coming out yourself
just like how he treats Winter with his whole WELP I'M SURE NOT GOING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I'M JUST GOING TO MAKE IT INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS AND THEN GET DISAPPOINTED WHEN YOU DON'T GUESS AND CONTINUE TO HINT AT IT! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT! I CAN'T BE BLAMED FOR IT IF I DIDN'T ADMIT IT LA LA LA
This was done super informally (at work . . . ) and I'm not going to go through and reformat it with proper capitalization and so on so apologies in advance for that, whups.
I AM THINKING ABOUT NIKOLAS AND HONESTY
and about how he's so oblique and such a liar but at the same time there is a really honest guy struggling to get out of there
and he doesn't really WANT to be a liar. or get away with his lies. he just doesn't know how not to do that and he is genuinely convinced that in all areas of his life he's in a position where honesty is the worst policy
but he has a compulsion towards it anyway that he barely remains in control of. both because he's a good person and because he's a self-destructive one and he is at times compelled to deliberately do the thing he thinks is worst for himself :')
like. the most obvious example is in [A CANON INSTANCE OF NIKOLAS BLATANTLY WANTING TO BE CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING WRONG, removed for possible spoilers]
it's a better position for him in a way but it's also just because HE ALWAYS WANTS TO BE CAUGHT. deep down inside himself he wants people to see through him
if he ACTUALLY DID NOT WANT WINTER TO EVER FIND OUT HE LOVED HIM. he could stop himself from being so obvious about it seriously. like as it is he's constantly flirting with the danger of being found out
Amalia obviously knows. Frest knows
Ophelia seems to have an idea
he deliberately seeks Winter out and puts them OVER AND OVER into situations where it's thiiiiis close to being revealed
he alludes to it in conversation all the time! HE MAKES THIS REFERENCES TO HIMSELF AND HIS FEELINGS THAT NO ONE GETS
and if his honest wish were "Winter never finds out I love him" then he could conduct himself differently to ensure that. but instead he flirts with it all the time. he is the only one introducing the possibility of that happening. and every time it doesn't he leaves only to reintroduce it later!
because afaict EVERY TIME that he's caught at something--he's glad he was, afterwards, that's what he WANTED, was to be caught in his dishonesty
it's part of why he is acting the way he is about stuff in Court. if he seriously never wanted anyone to know he was nobility or make any connection to his past life, he could hide it a lot better.
He deliberately did NOT come up with a cover story; he just avoids telling people flat-out because THE TRUTH IS A DANGER TO HIM
but at the same time he's still using HALF of his name, he's still said the word "Avis" to people, he has mentioned Wards in passing and Winter indirectly and he doesn't take any steps to hide the fact that he comes from a rich background
it'd be easy for people to read that into even his casual conversation (e.g. the fact that he only drinks expensive wine is a hint)
AND HE KNOWS IT. HE'S NOT STUPID
he completely knows that even if he calls himself Nikolas Tier.
someone from home could come to Court and go "excuse me I'm looking for the Great Avis"
and someone could respond to that with AVIS? HMM ISN'T THAT THE PLACE NIKOLAS IS FROM?
and that would be that, even though he deliberately hid the truth that Avis is also his name and not just his country.
because his obfuscating is the SYMBOLIC hiding of the truth you do when you want the truth out but don't want to take responsibility for it coming out yourself
just like how he treats Winter with his whole WELP I'M SURE NOT GOING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I'M JUST GOING TO MAKE IT INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS AND THEN GET DISAPPOINTED WHEN YOU DON'T GUESS AND CONTINUE TO HINT AT IT! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT! I CAN'T BE BLAMED FOR IT IF I DIDN'T ADMIT IT LA LA LA
